Why Am I So Quiet? - Why Anxiety and Quietness Often Go Hand In Hand

 Please don't mistake my quietness for weakness. I have never resonated with being shy.

I've never felt shy.

I've felt anxious, scared and quietly confident, but not shy. Quietness can be a superpower, a weapon of protection!

I didn't know I was doing this until my later years, after years of self-exploration and understanding.

Take school for example.

I was never great at school, borderline average, apart from child care where I excelled.

I struggled with the work, had extra tuition and often had meltdowns at home when I didn’t understand the work. Add in a deep fear of humiliation and when it came to lessons and the risk of being publicly reprimanded for not doing my work 😳 well, survival mode kicks in!!

I learned to get in there first,

“I don't feel well...”

“I'm really sorry I didn’t understand it, I did try...” ( add puppy dog eyes 🐶 👀)

And at the end of the lesson, I sat and watched everyone else get called out and often given detentions. I didn't enjoy seeing this, I never got happy or that I had got away with it and they hadn't, I felt pity for them, sad that they were embarrassed and called out in front of everyone.

And because I was quiet at school, PAINFULLY quiet, I got away with it, every time.

I learnt that silence was my safety bubble, and looking and appearing innocent would massively reduce the risk of humiliation.

It worked at home too.

With 5 siblings, a girl has got to do what they can to stand out, or just don't cause any extra problems.

Silence worked for both at different times.

Sadly, as is often the case, our solutions become our problems.

My silence took over and I was almost mute at times, finding it PHYSICALLY impossible to speak.

I'd be screaming the words in my head, but there was a block to them being able to come out.

Imagine this inability to communicate when it comes to standing up for yourself, work, interviews,  relationships, even speaking in small groups...

Yep, NOT helpful.

My old solutions no longer worked and we're now my problems.

Some people, especially as children, use humour or anger is a way of protecting themselves.

“If I hurt them first they can't hurt me...”

“I'll make them laugh so they like me and I'll hide my pain in a big front of jokes and silliness.”

We all know too many people who are now no longer here because they hid behind a solution that no longer worked for them.

We all have ways we protect ourselves, do you know yours?

We are all just doing our best with what we've got and what we've been through.

But there comes a time when you need to ask yourself, is this solution still working for me?

Could there be a better one?

I don’t want to lose my personality

I know what you’re thinking, I don’t want to lose myself. I like the fact that I'm quiet, I'm a great listener, I'm intuitive, I really don't feel the need to talk too much...

Or, I don't want to lose my sense of humour, I like I can make light of things and make people laugh, it makes me happy.

It's one of the biggest secondary gain issues I come across.

Who will I be without my anxiety???

The truth is you will still be you, just a more relaxed, happier, more content version of you.

You'll still be quiet, funny, angry, but when appropriate! And all other times you'll be more able to speak your needs.

So what's left?

For me, a quietly confident, seemingly innocent, 'normal' person just getting on with her life without fear hanging over her head but with still no need to be the most talkative person in the room.

Don't take my quietness for weakness, there is too much strength gained in all these years in survival mode to ever be weak.

But I no longer need to protect myself as I know, as will you, that whatever comes, you can face it as it is never as bad as the fear itself.

If you'd love to find out what your root cause is and why so many things trigger you, then get in touch and together we can ensure your true personality shines through.

Book a call with me here.

Tammy x